In a season that at many times has felt lonely God has been there molding and shaping me the entire time or at least trying, (I can be pretty stubborn). For the transparency of this post but privacy of all those involved I’ll sum up my last relationship with two sentences. It wasn’t good. And it was my fault. In the past 3 years God has revealed many internal insecurities that I had that grew to be toxic actions that ultimately ruined that relationship. The problem? I was watering my desires and starving conviction. See for me it wasn’t about living life with someone it was about fulfillment, what I could get from the table instead of what I could bring to the table. I was too distracted by the smell of a fresh relationship to notice the smell of my girlfriends dying heart, and that is why it failed. I traded the beauty of God’s guidance that He was freely offering me for my own broken compass and all it got me was a broken heart. See I got so caught up trying to satisfy my flesh that I didn’t notice that I was starving my soul, and believe me when I say your soul starves way before your flesh could even be remotely satisfied.
So the question is, how do you come back from that? Or maybe the better question is CAN you come back from that. Well to answer it simply, yes. Now there is an exception to that. If you choose to wallow in your self pity and play the “victim” card and blame everyone else for the mistakes you made you will not comeback. Healing can’t come to you if you don’t think your sick. See almost a full year went by before I realized that the person to blame for my problems was myself. I thought that maybe if I could convince myself that I wasn’t the problem the healing process would begin but in reality I was delaying my own procedure because I was out looking for someone to take my place. Even the most broken of hearts can heal but it takes time and a lot of grace.
Fast forward 1242 days to today I’m still working on the things that God revealed to me, why? Because I want God to continue molding me into the husband I need to be. I want to be a husband that loves his wife so well she would never wake up wondering if her husband loved her. I want to be the kind of husband that will lead her and protect her so she will be like a well watered vine. (Psalm 128:3) I want to be the kind of husband that she feels safe with so she can flourish and be herself. I want to be the kind of husband that worships with prays with laughs with and loves with his wife, and if that’s really the kind of husband I want to be I cannot neglect my daily procedure with God where He can shave off and take out anything in me that’s not of Him.
Sometimes I wonder (again for the transparency of this post) why its taking so long. I’m like there’s a lot of people in this world, I would have thought I’d meet her by now but knowing Atlanta she’s probably stuck in traffic somewhere! In the times I wonder Im reminded of what the many moms I have (shout out to my blood mom Wendy Boswell and every single women I work with at Shadowbrook which there is a lot) has told me over and over again. God will bring you the one when its time.
A lot of people say to me that that girl is going to be a very lucky women but I tend to think that I will be the lucky one. To understand that the God of the universe has entrusted me to take special care of one of His own is a deeply humbling and beautiful blessing. So while I wait I’m going to pray. I’m going to pray that I will not let a day go by that I don’t neglect the work that is before me and that I will continue to let God mold me into that husband that I need to be.
And if for some reason this future wife of mine is reading this know two things. I am praying for your heart, and I already love you.
